Budaoweng

Not so much of the song title…its the lyrics.

I know I am not the person you missed most or wanted to be with.

Frankly, I am ok with it.

So long you sms, call I will be contented. So long you didn’t hide didn’t cover  up and happie and safe.

I should be considerate and more understanding not because I am older but because you are very dear to me.

I got lost in the midst of anger and frustrations. Frustrated when things just ain’t going right for you, when you have to be tolerant over things which is unfair to you and you still have to take it. Angry when you refuse to explain the logic behind, the pain and suffering you have to go through which is really uncalled for.  Sad and depressed when you shoot me down with very hurtful word forgetting that I do care and always will be. Just that I am too into it le. I do not have any expectation but I do hope the changes and so called “teaching” be more profound and accurate. Execution timing should be constant and sharp. I don’t see any so its only right that I suspect and “think too much”.

Support comes with reasonable sacrifition and understanding. I think I did both and you too.

I can’t think of any reason why we can’t meet at the level that we both are comfortable, happie and working it out together.

We are after all very weak and what we had built this far is very fragile and we both are very vulnerable.

I guess the only thnig that  still keep us together is this word called:      

soft hearted. 心軟

这样子单方面的守候 还能多久.
是我没有陪在你身边当你寂寞时候.
不要再说
或许这是最好的结果.

Its not the end…just that  really know how long you can tolerate me.

QUOTE FROM YOU:”this Time donno will how long again”

Adagio feels…….: for along long while it will not happen and eventually it will not happen ever again. Trust me ma?

Everything is all about Thank you and sorry.

Can we go beyond that and move on?

I feel the strain and the distance. And no, I am not sensitive.  We have come to a point that there is practically nothing to talk and the conversation topic will be like:

“oh wake up le ah? eaten? where u? can’t sleep lae . going out soon. watching teebee . playing games. riding. i go eat first. sorry was in the toilet. oh you watch that day that show not?”

really that bored huh?

Sorry. 对不起

Really 打个电话说电视, 说不到 心事.

Anyway I don’t blame anyone or anything.

Its not a gap its an ocean between us…I am talking about.

I finally came to term last night that all these were just my illusion. My picture perfect. Too difficult to penetrate into your life and not easy for your to enter my world. Age difference is a killer and what more can I say? You don’t feel safe to share with me totally and I know there is alot of things you were hiding. Really, what can I do?

Should I just go or should I stick to the decision I made? What are the consequences after that? sighz…life sucks. Sucks big time.

Really I really do not know you. Do not know what you think, what you want, what to do to make you happie and acknowledge my presence.

I do not ask for more as I know your more already be given to some one and the rest to your 3 buddies.

I shall ask for a little bit.

 A little  bit of your heart.

Thanks. 谢谢

QUOTE FROM YOU: I donno, i just send her lor.

Adagio feels…….: You know why you just send. You just wanna do that. You forgotten what you promised and you forgotten an silly old idiot will be worried. Worried sick. all these you don’t care. You care what you wanna care. You care who you wanna care. Till the day I leave this world, I will never know the truth

Believe it or not, behind all these ugly remarks, hurtful words and unreasonable accusations, its my over concern and care.

My love for you is overboard.

I caused all your miseries and tears and hurt.

Whatever I say or do its not gonna make things better and no point cos you wont believe anymore.

The damages too huge.

I understand.

Whatever I do will not bring you back, I know.

I take a bow. Bow out.

Epilogue.

if loving you is wrong then i never wanna do it right

if there isn’t a you in my life, i rather be on the wrong path this whole life

QUOTE FROM YOU: U will wait . I will give .

Adagio feels…….: Haven’t I been waiting all this 18 months?

难过的往事不许提

答应永远都不让我担心
要做快乐的自己
照顾自己
就算某天一个人孤寂

我好想好好的爱你

傻傻爱你

不去计较公平不公平

We are not lovers thats for sure.

I just wanna take care of you with all my might.

But you were not real and I was hurt.

We can’t even sit down and talk and compromise cos you don’t see the need to.

I know I can’t give the love you longed for and definitely not from me but I really wanna share it with you. I guess you don’t need it too.

But that doesn’t mean that you can toy with my feeling with all your lies and cover ups. I am amazed that you bother to do that. Then why not be true to me? Tell me have I ever hurt you that that deep like she did? Have I cheated on you or lie to you or even betray you?

I never and will never be.

Nevertheless, no matter how good I treat you, you will never be touched by it. Whatever I do, it will not move you a single bit. However I tried, I can never be measuerd up to your friends and her.

I got it.

I don’t even care if its fair that I kept giving and not receiving but you don’t appreciate and you don’t realised. What ever you do its for the better of both of you. How could you be so heartless?

I missed you. But I will not be missed. I deserved it cos I brought upon all these myself.

Just wanna you be happie.

Please be.

QUIOTE FROM YOU: Ccb la . I didn’t k .

Adagio feels:……. I can’t even gain your basic respect. What more can I say? Stay and continue let you humilate? Even this, I am willing. Nothing to do if its fair or not. Just that I can’t bear to leave you.

THE SKY, ON THE 9TH OF MARCH 2009

Till now my heart is  like this sky….

QUOTE FROM YOU: Don sad . Nort past yet k . G and d wont de . Just listen to  me . Wont de .

Adagio feels…….: Maybe maybe, at certain time, we are actually starring at the same sky. You with her or your friends. Me, alone.

If  like you said, I am important, but coming to a month le, did you look for me? You won’t dont want me….?

Did you make an effort to at least search for me?

Its not that difficult.

Its simple.

Just that you don’t want.

Just that you think its not necessary.

Just that you know you don’t need me.

Just that its finally over and you rejoice!

You will stand by your friend when they needed support. Well, your friends are all human….I am not. Your friends are important to you while I am not. Your friends are the ones who stood by you when you down, need edhelp, lost but I wasnt around when you needded me most. So I deserved the cold shoulder and out cast. 

 You never feel for me.

Have you ever thought how I am gonna pull thru when my dad was being so unreasonable? My boss being so critical? No contact with you how  gonna pass my days? Where were you then?

No call, no message, no email, no letter, no knock at the door, no appearing in front of me, no message thru friends, no no no…nothing was done and why stil ask for my contact number? Its so contridicting.

Well, just go attend to your friends and her jiu ok le.

Just blame myself  for trusting that you were real.

QUOTE FROM YOU (to my friend): Take care of him pls . If anything can contact me . Pls .      

Adagio feels…….: When you putting on the t-shirt I bought as a gift to you, do you / will you  at that very split second….. think of me?